Winter Bicyclists.

January 30, 2014

I have a deep loathing for winter bicyclists.

I understand that you are trying to be "green" and not use fossil fuels. In fact, in the summer all you bipedalers make me feel a little guilty for driving around in my 15-20 mpg truck. But in the winter? That's a whole other kettle of fish. 

First, you must be crazy to be thinking of trying to ride a bicycle on snow-packed, icy roads. It looks plain dangerous. I don't care how beefy your tires are or how many zip ties you put on said tires. It still looks as scary as heck when I see one of you guys pedaling down the road after the snowplow...

Second, because of aforementioned snowplow, the roads are much narrower than they typically would be. Which means that if one of you conscientious bicyclists is pedaling down the road, I can't fit around you! I have to go 10 mph waiting for the other lane to clear before I am able to drive the actual speed limit. I'm pretty sure that traveling under the speed limit by a significant enough amount to clog traffic is just as bad as speeding. You might even be able to be ticketed for it. 

Third, if you are going to undertake this dangerous (and extremely inconvenient) task, try to devote some attention to it. I was driving to my aikido class today, running that slim ridge between slightly early and almost late (depending on parking) when I got stuck behind one of these said bicyclists. Not only was he in the middle of my lane, going abominably slow, but he was also simulataneously TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE. How does that song go again? I can ride my bike with no handlebars... No handlebars... On an icy road. I can ride my bike with no handlebars. With my cellphone on. On a snow-packed road. 

I'm pretty sure that is how that song goes.

So today, bicyclists beware, because if I hadn't been running late for class I would have had that cell phone using, crazy bicyclist mounted on my hood. 

Oh, and want to know what else? It's illegal where I live for you to use any handheld device (like a cell phone...) while driving within city limits. Yeah. The world is just retarded today.