Okay, that's it. I am finished with all this crap. I want to state a disclaimer now, right from the start, that if you are a person who is offended by cynicism, dissatisfaction with societal expectations and social norms, or happens to currently be in a stable, loving, romantic relationship, you should probably exit from this page right now. Go watch Netflix or something. Because this post is going to be all about relationships. And my intense loathing of them.
This is not to say that I look at everyone who is in a romantic relationship and think, Wow, what suckers. That's never going to last. Because that is not it at all. As I have mentioned previously, I happen to be an avid reader of romance novels, and one of the many things I strive not to be is a hypocrite. So it is not like I am against romantic relationships on principle. I am simply against the notion of romantic relationships as a necessity. And I feel like this is an important distinction.
I'll admit, I'm as much of a sucker for a cute old couple as the next person. It is why I love reading about romances so much. I love exploring all the different possible dynamics of a relationship like that, the different shades and levels of interaction that are possible. Now, I am not claiming that romance novels are the best way to study romantic relationships, because that would be retarded. But I take them for what they are: an idealization of one person's view of romance. If you read enough of these things -- and trust me, I have read more than enough-- you realize that most of the romances written by the same author all have the same relationship written out over and over again, with different faces and backgrounds and challenges. But it is the same relationship. If you really want to see the different possibilities of romantic relationships, it is important to read a whole bunch of different romance authors, because that is where you find true variety. My theory is that each author bases the relationships of their characters upon their relationship with their own spouse. But again, this is simply a theory.
So, as you can see, it is not the relationship itself that I find abhorrent. I actually find it quite fascinating. No, what really gets my goat is the theory of incompleteness. Of inadequacy in life without that kind of a relationship.
There are several different aspects that contribute to this, in my mind, erroneous expectation. The first, and most improbable, aspect would be the idea of soul mates.
The first reference that I can find to soul mates goes back to Plato's The Symposium, in which Plato has Aristophanes relate a story about the origin of soul mates. In it he claims that humans were originally beasts with four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. Through a series of confrontations, which were of course brought about by a conflict between human pride and arrogance and the will of the gods, Zeus decided to split the humans in two as a punishment, leaving them forever burdened to walk the earth feeling incomplete. The idea of soul mates is that you have found the person who is, quite literally, your missing half. At least, according to Plato.
Can I even begin to tell you how many things are wrong with this picture?
First, this would imply that you are walking around with half a soul. That without another person you will never be of any value, that you will always be "lesser" than those who have found their "soul mate." And not only is this stupid, it is also plain dangerous. Not in a Bruce-Willis-jumping-through-a-window-with-a-Glock-36 kind of way; not even in a J. Lo-in-that-one-Oxygen-movie kind of way. (You know which J. Lo movie I'm talking about, right? The one where she marries the guy, he gets all abusive, she goes on the run with the kid... I will look this up and get back to you. This is gonna bug the crap out of me). No, this is dangerous because it sets up unrealistic expectations for both you and your partner in this romantic endeavor. And I am a bona fide expert on unrealistic expectations.
Second, this implies that there is only one person out there for you, that you are responsible for recognizing them, and that you only get one chance at it in your lifetime. So if you convince yourself that Joe Smoe is your soul mate and he dies in a car crash (or marries what's-her-face from senior prom), well then your are S.O.L. Time to resign yourself to the fact that you missed the boat and are going to be lonely and alone for the rest of your life.
Which brings me out of my soul mate spiel and into the second problem I have with how our society views romantic relationships. The idea that if you don't eventually find your way into a romantic relationship, then you will never be truly fulfilled. You will die old and alone in your bed with no one in the world who cares about you. Oh, and don't forget the kids that go along with this whole thing. Can't forget the kids. It's like there is some kind of societal checklist.
--I would like to enter a disclaimer stating
that these items on this bogus checklist
do not need to be completed in any particular order--
Society's List for Success
- Move out of your parent's house (whether it be to college or simply to get your own space).
- Get an education (whether this be high school, college, graduate school, or post-grad).
- Establish yourself in a career.
- Find a significant other and marry them.
- Buy a house.
- Have kids.
- Retire with a boatload of money and spend your golden years traveling the globe with your significant other. (Please note that at this point you are not required to still be with your original significant other from #4. But you better have one! Heaven forbid you travel the globe alone).
- Die happy surrounded by your progeny as they slaver like a pack of rabid dogs over the inheritance that you are leaving them.
Okay.... So maybe not the last one...
But you see my point, right? All around us, in our media and our social interactions, we are constantly being told that nothing we do is good enough if we don't have someone to share it with. That no matter how well we do in life, there is still going to be some sad little corner of our hearts that weeps silently at night because we are all alone and no one loves us enough to marry us. And I am sorry to those of you out there who agree with this, but that pisses me the fuck off.
I would rather never be married than get married to someone just because I feel like society expects it and then have to divorce them one or five or ten years later. And I would rather try to go out and do something productive with my life rather than sit around and worry why no one seems to think I am attractive enough or smart enough or sexy enough to date, and by extension, marry.
We spend so much of our time and energy and resources out there looking for love. Just look at online dating services. And I would just like to stop here and take a moment to say, I TOTALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT OTHER PEOPLE MAKE THIS A PRIORITY IN THEIR LIFE. Have at it, folks! If it makes you happy, who am I to nay say?
What I loathe, absolutely abhor, is having people look at me, my gender, and my age, find out that I am not in a serious relationship, and look at me like there is something wrong with me. To hear me say that maybe I would be okay with never being married, that I could find other things in my life that would fulfill me and make me happy, and having them say, "Oh honey, I'm sure you think that now."
And don't forget the inflection on the word "now." Because it comes up, every time. Is it so hard to believe that maybe I am already complete the way I am? That I can have a wonderful, fun, fulfilling life without needing to have a man in it? That maybe that is best for me, as a person? Maybe the whole long-term commitment thing works for some people, but I don't think it necessarily needs work for me.
Why can't that be okay?
Oh-- before I go. Just want you to know a couple of things. One, I found the J. Lo movie, it is called "Enough." Two, when my friends and I were watching it on a weekend away at a hotel, I totally called that the husband was a sleezeball in, like, the first five minutes of the movie. They were all, "No, he's such a good husband!" and "They look like such an adorable couple!" and I was like, "No, guys, seriously, that guy is psycho. She should have married the other guy, because that one is a douche."
And I was totally right.
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