Hello there, dear audience. Did you miss me? I realize that it has been a while since my last post, but I found myself in a weird sort of schlump where everything I tried to write seemed frivolous and unimportant. However, today I come to you with a topic that is guaranteed to grab you by the frontal lobe and engage your interest.
It occurs to me that sarcasm is much harder to communicate through blogging than through a verbal exchange. Which is a shame, since I find dark and cynical humor to be one of my primary modes of communication.
Back to my point. So today I was sitting in class, coming off a wave of relief at walking into my genetics class and finding out that the exam is next Monday rather than today, and I found myself irrepressibly bored. Astoundingly bored. Ready-to-stick-chopsticks-up-my-nose bored. The class was Livestock in Sustainable Systems and the topic was sheep, mostly a review of things I had already learned in Intro to Animal Science or things that were so obvious that my three year-old sister could have figured it out. Such as... What factors would cause producers to diversify their breeding options and select different characteristics to develop different breeds of sheep? Let's think long and hard about this, class.
Dear Lord, shoot me now.
Usually about this time I take to doodling in the margins of my notes. Since my artistic abilities are fairly limited, my notes are mainly populated by flowers and stick figures, which gets tedious after a while. So today, I decided to mix things up a bit.
When I was in grade school, my friends and I used to make these little toys out of paper called "fortune tellers." Or something like that. I have also heard them called "cootie catchers," although I always thought that was a little retarded. They look a little something like this:
As you can see, it has words written on the outside, then numbers on the inside flaps. You start out choosing a color, and the person with the fortune teller spells it out, moving the fortune teller back and forth like so:
You move the fortune teller for each letter, and eventually have the fortune teller open like so. You then choose a number and count it out. Then you choose one of the numbers as your fortune and open the flap to read it. It's a pretty simple game.
The fun comes in when you make your own and you get to choose what to write on the outside flaps and what the fortunes will be. And being as bored as I was, my fortune teller was quite imaginative.
For the four options on the outside flaps, I chose:
- Eugene Fitzherbert (better known as Flynn Ryder, from the Disney animated film Tangled)
- Wesley, a.k.a. "The Man in Black," from The Princess Bride (Best. Movie. Ever.)
- Thor
- Austin Powers
Yep. I was that bored. I then numbered the inside one through eight and wrote each number a fortune. I'm just warning you now, some of these aren't my best work...
Fortune #1
You have the animal magnetism of a horny baboon.
You are going to be very lucky in love this week.
Don't be afraid to let out your inner animal.
Rawr!
Fortune #2
You fail at life.
Feel free to throw yourself off the nearest cliff. In the case of a severe cliff shortage,
consider active volcanoes as a viable alternative.
Fortune #3
If you have ever wondered if you are as mediocre and boring as you think you are,
I am sorry to inform you that it is true.
All of it.
Feel free to crawl into a deep, dark hole and weep.
Don't forget to bring your tissues.
Fortune #4
Well, hell's bells, aren't you the shit? You have now been recognized as certifiably awesome. Feel free to spread the awesomeness and make the world
a better place.
Fortune #5
It's official. You are a badass.
Badder and assier than the original B.A. Baracus.
If you so wish, you could have the world
prostrate at your B.A. boots.
So go out there and get going.
You have a badass bike to ride.
Fortune #6
You are a veritable angel. Animals flock and flowers bloom in your presence. Even your excrement smells like a meadow full of wildflowers. Continue to polish your halo and people will bow at your feet.
Fortune #7
Your new motto in life is, "Dress to impress!"
You think that somehow, if you dress snazzy enough, people will overlook your masculine features and abhorrent personality.
To this I say: Invest in a sexy pair of high heels.
And make a big ass for yourself.
Fortune #8
You are more lovable than all the fuzzy baby animal memes on Facebook combined.
Don't be afraid to use your adorable cuteness for devious purposes.
Not too bad, if I do say so myself. Although, I will admit that it probably isn't appropriate for the playground. Until next time, oh audience of mine.
