Lawn Chairs

June 5, 2014

Today, I acquired new lawn chairs. Well, I think they are technically pool chairs, but we are going to call them lawn chairs because-- and this is important folks-- we don't actually have a pool.

I got them when I was at work today and we were reorganizing and cleaning my employers garage. These chairs ($160 new!) were being discarded because of one fatal flaw. Wheels. Apparently, this is not a desired attribute of pool chairs. Because whenever the wind blew, my employers would wake up the next morning to find all eight of their pool chairs lounging at the bottom of the pool. And guess who got to fish them out?

Certainly not my employers.

Anyways, long story short, I am now the proud owner of two magnificent lawn chairs and they are currently parked right on my back patio. In fact, I am also parked on my back patio. I have decided to spend the afternoon basking in the sun, writing, and keeping a sharp eye on the burly construction workers working on the house across the street. Just in case they decide it's too hot for their T-shirts. Or that their water is unsatisfactory and that they need to come steal some of mine. 

Because as much as I can appreciate a half-naked man lifting heavy things right outside my window, all that wonderful, sun-kissed skin is forgotten as soon as they decide to trespass into my backyard and steal my water. Sometimes I really wish I owned a BB gun. Or just any gun. Okay, I'm done now. 

Dammit Dolls

December 19, 2013

'Tis the season. And all that jazz. Today I was out doing some Christmas shopping for my family (which I am over halfway done with, by the way) and I was observing all the varied and strange things people market around Christmas time.

You have to realize, dear audience, that I really don't like shopping for Christmas presents in mainstream stores like Walmart or JC Penny or any of those kinds of places. In fact, if at all possible, I try to avoid the mall altogether. I much prefer the antique, consignment, and local stores that have goods that not only support local businesses, but also offer items that are more unique and personal. 

However, sometimes "unique and personal" can be construed as just, plain strange. There was one item in particular that stood out. It was a box full of "Dammit Dolls."

I wish I had brought my camera, dear audience, because these dolls were truly strange. They were of the ragamuffin variety, complete with sewn-on faces and yarn hair. They didn't really have clothing, but were rather made of patterned fabric. Each doll had a little poem sewn to their front. It said,

Dammit Doll

WHENEVER THINGS DON'T GO SO WELL,

AND YOU WANT TO HIT THE WALL AND YELL,

HERE'S A LITTLE DAMMIT DOLL,

THAT YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT.

JUST GRASP IT FIRMLY BY THE LEGS,

AND FIND A PLACE TO SLAM IT.

AND AS YOU WHACK THE STUFFING OUT,

YELL, "DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT!"

And yes, dear audience. It was in all capital letters. I can't decide if this is one of the most awesome gifts ever invented or the saddest attempt at a marketing ploy I have ever seen. Either way, I'm considering it as a prank gift for one of my siblings. Here's to hoping she thinks it's as funny as I think it is. 


P.S. I found the website for them. Here it is, dear audience.

www.dammitdolls.com

And here's a picture of one of them. Don't worry, they come in a variety of colors and sizes, so you can individualize them for the whole family!

Jiminy Christmas, aren't they ugly little things?


P.P.S.
Ok, dear audience, brace yourselves! Apparently, there are a couple different versions of the Dammit Doll poem!

Ok, I swear I'm done...