On Commitment and Self-Awareness

April 23, 2014

Okay dear audience, so I realize that I have already posted today. And that there is a mountain of work to do with my name all over it. And yet, as I was procrastinating by re-reading some of my past posts, I ran across a post that brings up a point that I am helpless to resist addressing. 

Remember back in November when I wrote the post, "On Bedrooms As Mood Rings"? If you want to see what I am talking about, follow the link below:
http://contemplateandruminate.blogspot.com/2013/11/on-bedrooms-as-mood-rings.html

Anyways, not only is my room still a perfect reflection of my current mood (read: my room is a complete pig sty at the moment), but I found my ending comments about snagging a boyfriend to be quite thought-provoking. 

Dear audience, I think I might have a boyfriend. 

How do you not know whether or not you have a boyfriend, you might ask? Beats me. I can't explain it either.

It started in my Aikido class this semester. We met in class and occasionally chatted afterwards while walking out to our cars. Of course I, being the oblivious noob that I am, failed to realize that he had been walking me to my truck every day for the past three weeks until we had already gone out on two dates. 

He asked me out to a Thai restaurant for lunch that Saturday. I said that I had to work all day, but could we do dinner? Sure, he said. 

He was ten minutes late because he chose to walk all the way from his apartment. I was playing out scenarios in my head of how to cope if he stood me up. Could I get one of my friends to show up on short notice to make it look like I had meant to meet them here all along? He came around the corner and I felt a huge weight lift off my chest. 

I ordered fried rice because ethnic food and I aren't always simpatico and rice is a gift from the gods. He ordered some kind of noodle dish because he is half-Thai and it reminded him of visiting his mother's family in Thailand. 

We talked about high school sports and television shows. Roommates and family. Star Trek episodes. I was delighted that I could be as geeky as I pleased without wondering if it would scare him away. 

He walked me to my truck, and I asked if I could give him a lift to his apartment, as it was 10 degrees and pitch black outside. He said sure. 

I played Lana Del Rey on the stereo in an attempt to appear cool. In hindsight, I should have just put on my classic rock. I chattered away like some kind of demented rodent, dropping words like "man hater" and "eighth grade" in the same breath. He smiled and didn't jump out of the vehicle into oncoming traffic, which I took as a good sign. I parked in front of his building and told him I had a great time. And that would have been the end of it. Except...



The next Friday was Valentine's Day. 



Class that week felt like a time warp back into middle school. 

Do I make eye contact? Is he watching me as I beat the crap out of this guy? Crap, is my makeup sweating off? 

He waits for me after class, walks me out to my truck again. It still hasn't occurred to me that he has been doing this all along. That comes later. 

I convince myself that we were just hanging out. I've been asked out on a couple of dates before, nothing serious. One date, then it's done. It happened with an Abercrombie model once. 

Expectations lead to disappointment. Best to be like Denmark and appear pleasantly surprised when people exceed your excessively low standards.

We reach my truck. He asks if I'm doing something Friday night. No, I say, but Friday is Valentine's Day, right? 

Yes.

We keep it fairly casual. I even wear jeans. We decide on dinner at Mackenzie River Pizza. I arrive five minutes late, not wanting to awkwardly stand out front by myself waiting for him to arrive. Punctuality sacrificed on the altar of insecurity. 

We end up waiting for a table for thirty minutes, which is fine. We talk some more, about school and books and family and life. We are outside, but it begins to rain and we go back inside. 

We finally get a booth and slide in to separate sides. I end up talking to the waitress because I can't handle the indecisiveness. We order a pizza and talk some more. I can hear the waitresses talking to one another, talking about something "cute" and "adorable." I convince myself that it is another couple at a different table. Denmark, remember?

We order a Mac Lovin', a large, gooey chocolate chip cookie heated in a small cast iron pan and topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. I become territorial. 

Cross this line and I will stab you with my spoon. 

He chuckles. I stick my spoon into the cookie. 

I'm dead serious, I say. Don't ever come between me and my dessert. I usually try to be nice when I am on dates, but you eat my half of the Mac Lovin' and I will not hesitate to stab you with this spoon. 

He told me later that that was the moment when he finally relaxed. Apparently he wasn't completely sure that I had thought it was a date. Silly man, it was Valentine's Day.

The waitress comes with the check. She gives us a grin. Here's your check. However, the man that was sitting at that table over there earlier thought you two were the cutest couple and paid for your pizza, so all you have to pay for is the Mac Lovin'. 

Fancy that. Apparently I am cute enough to get free pizza. Or, half a free pizza, as he was quick to remind me. He gave me the rest of the pizza anyways though. 

Then came pool and bowling. I find that he has taken both bowling and billiards classes. I lose. It's okay though, I find it entertaining to become indignant and insist that next time I will whoop his butt. 

We go out to our cars, end up talking for another two hours. The windows steam up from the vapor coming out of our mouths and I turn the heater on and off. On and off. We talk more about our childhoods and high school and other people we have been interested in. I can't say dated. He can't really either. 

He turns to me, says, what would you do if I kissed you right now?

Silence. 

Hum. Hum. Huummmmmmmmm. Well, if you were, which you probably shouldn't at the moment, then I may or may not hit you in the face, not on purpose though. How lucky you are that I am currently strapped into a seat and pinned behind a steering wheel. 

I am overcome with the irrational urge to run off into the night, as fast as I can. Never mind the fact that it is almost one in the morning. I look out the window, avoiding eye contact. 

I, um, I... Well, I've never, erhm, kissed, well... Anyone. Before. So... Yeah.

Insert spastic facial twitches and hand motions. General unattractive-ness. On my part of course. Because we have already established that I am a noob. 

And then he says, 

The grass is slow, but the buffalo is patient. 

Oh, the wonderful, painful, amazing cheesiness. What's a girl to do but laugh? And deflect. 

I come up with a compromise. I will promise to work on it. For now, a kiss. On the cheek. 

And then for 15 more minutes I proceed to stall. And during that 15 minutes he mentions that the day he first asked me out he was so nervous that he wasn't physically able to give blood. Elevated heart rate, and all that. 

Dang. What's a girl to say to something like that? Thank goodness for darkened vehicles that hide unwanted blushes. 

Eventually, I say, 

This is ridiculous.

And lean over and brush my lips against his cheek. 

And so ends my first date on Valentine's Day. 

After this we hang out once a week, see each other in class, walk to our cars together. But life is busy and school is stressful, and we never really hang out like we did on Valentine's Day. And I am okay with this. Because you never realize how much you love being single until someone is actually interested in you. I am such a commitment-phobe, dear audience. Some part of me wonders that if I had realized that he was walking me to my car all that time, if I would have actually said yes. If I hadn't convinced myself of the utter casualness of it all, could we have made it to a point where we are both sitting in my truck at one in the morning and he asks to kiss me and I don't run away?

Somehow, I don't quite think so, dear audience. 

Even now, it occurs to me that it took over two months for me to be able to write anything about this on this blog. This completely anonymous, insignificant blog. 

So do I have a boyfriend, dear audience? 

I'm not quite sure. 

Life During Dead Week

April 23, 2014

Hello there, dear audience. Today I was just reflecting upon my life at the moment, feeling quite put out about the whole thing, and I decided that I needed to kick-start my writing. Taking on a fully-formed, coherent post seems like too much effort right now, what with finals steadily approaching and my generally feeling of "life sucks" at the moment, so I think that today is a day for random observations. 

Things That Seem Significant In My Life Right Now

On Sunday, driving home from work, I saw a man riding a bicycle. With a dog pulled behind him in a cart. Something like this.            It was fracking adorable. Although, the dog didn't look quite as happy as this one does. 
2. I was in my Functional Anatomy lab final today and was unable to distinguish whether a structure was either
1. An undescended testicle
2. A uterus, or, 
3. A bladder
3. This was quite disheartening dear audience. Because, in case your anatomy is a little rusty, this indicates that I was unable to decide whether the poor thing was even male or female. This did not inspire confidence in my other answers. And while I would like you to think that this is a significant enough point to deserve its own numeral, the sad truth is that at the moment, in a formatting battle between the Blogger.com toolbar and a college student, the toolbar wins. 
4. The only things I have eaten in the last 24 hours are yogurt, a hastily made omelet, orange juice, and copious amounts of chocolate and trail mix (which, incidentally, is probably composed of about 60% chocolate-based ingredients). So, when I was in my Anatomy final today, I was reduced to sniffing my test paper in the hope that the smell of ink and paper would override the smell of formaldehyde and decomposition and keep me from become dizzier than I already was due to lack of sustenance. 
5. Showering has now become a legitimate chore. Dear goodness, I am morphing into a man. What has the world come to?
6. The only way I am able to make myself get out of the house is by wearing flip-flops. If I am required to put on actual shoes and socks, I am too demotivated to even make it to the driveway. 
7. My most frequently-used adjective in the past two weeks is "fuck." And this makes me even more depressed than I already am.
8. I am now forced to use six different alarms to get out of bed in the morning. And I still manage to sleep through my first two classes and be 15 minutes late to the third one. 
9. My bed is so completely mussed that my sheets have now made two complete rotations from the bottom to the top of my blanket arrangement without me ever having remade my bed. 

I think that is all the depression my psyche can handle right now without just laying down and declaring defeat at the hands of life. So I will leave it there. Hopefully, after finals are over and I am able to reclaim my life, I will be able to come to you with something less self-pitying and more profound. Or at least more entertaining. 

When I Used to Be a Runner

April 9, 2014

I was wasting time on Facebook today when I came across the most hilarious article that reminded me of my days as a high school cross country runner. As sad as this is, I have probably literally thought over half the things on this list. 

Do I run nowadays? No, of course not, because college has made me a lazy bum. However, the air is getting warmer, the sun is shining brighter, and I am happy to delude myself with the idea that when this semester is over and I have more time on my hands I will get into shape and start running again. 

So without further ado, here is 

75 Thoughts Every Runner Has While Out For A Run 

(taken from BuzzFeed):

1. What a beautiful day for a run!
2. This sucks.
3. Well, five miles is only two and half miles each way, which is basically two miles each way, so I’m really only running four miles. That’s not too far.
4. It’s starting to feel far.
5. How long have I been running? A year?
6. SIX MINUTES?! 
7. I can barely remember what my life was like before I started this run.
8. OK, concentrate. There are still four-plus miles to go. 
9. But who counts the first and last mile? This is pretty much an easy three miler.
10. Oh, shit! A fellow jogger!
11. Should I wave?
12. I’m totally gonna wave.
13. OOOK, they didn’t wave back. Never doing that again.
14. Just keep running, no one saw. Except that old guy who may or may not be averting his eyes.
15. Man, I think I’m hitting that “second wind” thing my gym coach was talking about.
16. Wait, never mind. I’ve been running down a decline. 
17. If I leap to avoid dog shit, does that make me a CrossFit athlete?
18. What the heck is CrossFit anyway?
19. Mental reminder: Google CrossFit when I get home.
20. If I ever get home.
21. If I had a heart attack right now, I wonder who would find my body.
22. OMG, I hope I never find a dead body. Joggers always find dead bodies.
23. Bodies. Body. Bod-ay. Runnin’ all day, no one can catch … may.
24. OK, I must be halfway done by now.
25. What?! Only two miles in?
26. Alright, stay focused. What am I going to eat when I get home?
27. I’m running five miles so I should probably eat five slices of pizza.
28. Or I could buy one pizza and ask them to cut it into five slices.
29. I should probably get a side salad too. 
30. …
31. Fuck the salad actually.
32. Man, what are these people doing in front of me? Walking?!
33. Is this a contest to see who’s the worst at walking? Because you are both champions in my heart.
34. Maybe if I pound my feet on the ground they’ll hear me coming and let me pass.
35. Oh, God. They didn’t turn around and now I’m right behind them. They’re going to think they’re getting mugged by the world’s sweatiest criminal.
36. You know what? Now seems like a good time to run in the street.
37. * Jumps off curb * Parkour!
38. Hi hi hi please don’t hit me with your car. 
39. Pedestrian pedestrianizing over here, let me cross. 
40. Thank you, Mr. Blue Honda. I’m trying to smile at you but it probably looks like I’m having a stroke. 
41. Actually, I wonder what I look like right now. 
42. * Checks out reflection in shop window * Yeesh.
43. Is that what I look like when I run? What am I, a newborn deer with a drinking problem?
44. Whatever, I must be almost done by now. 
45. Heck yes. Three miles down, two to go. It’s all downhill from here. 
46. Except for that very real uphill in front of me. God damnit.
47. Wait, is that… Is that…
48. A DOG! 
49. Hi dog! You are so cute. You are now my mascot. I will finish this run for you, pup.
50. And — hello — what do we have here? Your human is pretty cute too.
51. Hope you like drunk fawns, Cute Human.
52. Watch my bambi ass prance up this hill.
53. Holy shit, prancing is exhausting. I am exhausted. 
54. Honestly, I don’t even like running.
55. Why do I even run?
56. Why does anyone even run?
57. Why are we even alive?
58. OK, let’s not go down that road.
59. Focus. Focus on that sweet, delicious ‘za waiting at the finish line, calling your name with its cheesy breath.
60. Wait, less than one mile to go? I am KILLING this run. 
61. I AM THE SWIFTEST GOD OF ALL TWO-LEGGED CREATURES.
62. YES, including ostriches.
63. Honestly, I should sign up for a marathon.
64. What is it, like 30 miles?
65. That’s just 15 miles each way, which is practically 10, and 10 is twice five, and I can run five miles EASY.
66. That’s it, I’m doing it. Thirty miles.
67. Thirty-mile marathon…30-mile marathon…30 Rock marathon.
68. On second thought, I’ll probably just binge-watch every episode of 30 Rock. That takes a lot of dedication and I will be winded from laughing so hard.
69. But I could probably do a marathon IF I wanted. 
70. OK, almost home. Should I shower first and order pizza or order pizza and shower before it shows up?
71. Yep, definitely ordering first. I earned that shit.
72. Oh, no. Oh god no. Another runner. Should I wave?
73. No, be strong! Do not get burned again. 
74. OMG, SHE waved first! Hello! Yes! We are both runners! Look at us run!
75. I guess running’s not so bad.