So Close...

December 12, 2013

So I've been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes or so, racking my brains for what super-amazing topic I'm going to wow you all with today, dear audience. I am sad to report that I can think of nothing awesome happening in my life. Or at least nothing that a large number of people would also agree is awesome. I was tempted to cop out and just fill this entire post with some of my favorite quotes from books I've been reading, but I decided against it for two reasons. First, I'm pretty sure you all have something better to do with your time than read a compilation of quotes that I have randomly selected with no theme or point whatsoever. Second... I'm too lazy to type all the quotes out. Yep, it's that bad folks.

I suppose this is a common symptom of finals week. I have almost made it to the end. I am so close! But not quite there. Some people are blessed by the gods and goddesses of academia and are finished with their finals early in the week. Some are cursed like myself to have finals all the way up until the Friday of finals week. I envy those lucky souls.

Like my roommate, for example. I walked into the apartment this afternoon after an intensive organic chemistry study session that was making my brain throb to find that the entire apartment reeked of nail polish. I walk into my roommate's room to find her sprawled out on her bed, laptop on her lap, all four limbs splayed in different directions. 

"So, what you up to?" I asked, rubbing my temples in a futile attempt to relieve the throbbing behind my eyes. "And why does our entire apartment reek of nail polish?"

"Oh, I was bored and didn't know what to do, so I decided to paint my toenails! Then, when I was finished, I still didn't know what to do so I just put a coat of clear polish on my finger nails."


If looks could kill.

"Come here and let me tell you what I think of you being that bored," I said to her, visions of strangulation and dismemberment running through my head. 

It is intensely demoralizing to be working that hard and come home to find someone that bored. I realize that she probably worked just as hard as I did, and that her finals just happened to finish before mine, but it doesn't mean that it made my impulse to strangle her any lower. 

However, I only have one more day to go, and then I'm free for a whole month. Just one more day. Here's to the almost-there feeling that we have all been tormented by at one point or another and hoping that it doesn't drive me crazy before I can finish this semester. 

Also, let's hope that the smell of nail polish eventually dissipates from our apartment, because it is really not helping my headache. 

On Days When You're Wishing of Summer...

December 11, 2013

Sometimes,  when the days outside get dark and chilly and I spend my days cooped up inside studying for finals that I just want to be over and done with, I get nostalgic for the days of summer.

Warm days. When I could walk outside in the dirt without any shoes; when in the afternoon a dip in the lake is refreshing rather than hypothermia-inducing  (yes, some people up here still jump in the lake in the winter; this suicidal tendency has been dubber the "polar plunge"); when bonfires are aesthetic rather than essential at ten at night. 

So, in remembrance of the days of summer, I wrote a small passage describing a small moment in summertime that I find myself missing now, in the dark of winter.

On Sunny Afternoons By the Lake

Sunlight glinting off the water,
Gently warming every surface,
Slowly browning all my skin.

The breeze flicking through my notebook,
Gently stirring through my hair.
The water slapping 'gainst the cliff side,
Slowly crashing in the air.

Steady crunching of my crackers,
Silent slurping of my glass.

Is it green or is it blue?
Look more closely,
Nothing there.

Sizzle slowly in the sunlight,
Pad with caution down the dock.

Far off rumbling of the motor,
Gliding swiftly through the water,
Each splash glistening mid-air.

Gradual release of all my tension,
Each vertebrae popping 
At the ease
Of long-stiff muscles in my shoulders,
Down my back,
Like clicking keys.

Note: I would like to make a disclaimer right now that I have never, nor shall I ever, understand the form and function of poetry. Any choices I made in writing and formatting this quote-on-quote "poem" (read quotation mark hand gestures) were made for no other reason than I simply thought it looked better that way. Thank you.

On Goals and Wishes...

December 10, 2013

I was looking through some of my writings from this past summer and I came across a entry that I had wrote that was in the form of a wish list. I bring it up now because we are immersing ourselves in that season that inspires wishes and resolutions and reflection, and I thought that I would share with you all some of my own goals and aspirations. 

Also, I would just like you all to know, dear audience, that in terms of progress I have already accomplished numbers four and twelve on this list, which fortifies my resolve and gives me hope that maybe some of the other items aren't so unattainable after all.

From an entry on August 11, 2013...

You know, it’s strange sometimes. I realize that we are supposed to condition ourselves to not getting exactly what we want. I think it would be slightly unhealthy for a person to spend all their time wishing to be someone they’re not, for things they don’t have, for things that cannot happen. And yet sometimes, I feel like we need to allow ourselves some time to ruminate on all those things that we wish for, the times that we dream of, the things we wish we had. Maybe that would give us a little bit more purpose in our life, a little more direction to our day. And so occasionally, I dip into the wellspring of my desires and wallow in my dreams, if only for a little while. I guess today is just one of those days. 

And so, in keeping with the traditions of childhood and a lifetime with organized family shopping, I have decided to make a wish list. Some of the things on my wish list can be easily given as birthday presents or small favors; some of the things are slightly more intangible. And some shall probably never happen, at least not in the near future. But that’s okay, because we are allowed to dream beyond our limitations, our expectations, and our qualifications. So, without further prevarication, here is my wish list, at this point in my life, of all the things I desire deep in my soul. 

Paige’s Wish List

1. Chacos. I have always wanted a pair of chacos. Sturdier than flip flops yet better ventilated than tennis shoes. And accompanied by epic tan lines. 
2. A tea rack or display case of some sort for my vast collection of tea. Somehow it seems criminal to possess such a fantastic array of tea and have it be confined to a dusty kitchen cupboard. I want to be able to openly peruse the entirety of my collection, and let others do so as well. 
3. A collection of audiobooks. The impetus for this impulse was the excerpts from Eloisa James’ (or Mary Bly, whichever you prefer) Paris in Love memoirs on her website. But I want to amass an entire collection, which I can listen to in the car on drives or put on a stereo in the tub. To hear all of these wonderful worlds in the voice of a stranger. There is an inexplicable appeal to that which I find desirable. 
4. Someday I would like to have a henna tattoo. One which is intricate and elegant, most probably on my ankle and leg. Do I want a permanent tattoo? No way. I am much too fickle to be able to pick a single design to have on my body for my entire life. Yet there is some attraction in the concept of having an image wrapped around my body, an intimate embrace between me and my ideas, for the entire world to see.
5. A date. I would like for someone to ask me out on a date. A fun, relaxing, easy date where I don’t have to worry about expectations or appearances, where I can spend time with someone just because I want to get to know them. I don’t want to seriously date them, or worry about them making a move on me when I’m not comfortable with it. I just want someone to think that I’m interesting, and take the time to get to know me. To reassure me that yes, someone is paying attention. 
6. I want to get my cartilage pierced so I can wear those earrings that connect to the regular piercing and the cartilage piercing. Also, I want to put a hoop in my ear like a pirate.
7. Someday, I would like to have permanently clear skin. So I can touch my face without feeling like a Braille book and wash my face without any pain. That would be a wonderful thing. And it saddens me when some people can’t appreciate the boons they have been granted. 
8. I need to get some new heels for dancing. The soles are peeling off my current heels, and I fear that in the near future they will need replaced.
9. I want to cuddle with someone. Snuggle. Whatever you choose to call it. I just want… someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie with. Someone to put their arms around me and play with my hair. To hold me on their lap and hold me tight. Afterwards, I’ll probably want to crawl under a rock and die, but at this point, I really just want to cuddle with someone, and my cat just isn't cutting it.
10. For many years now, it has been a dream of mine to have a professional back massage. Not for any medical purposes, or because my back is aching or out of place. I just really want the total relaxation and comfort that comes from a legit back massage. Without me having to do anything in return. Can you imagine how wonderful that would be? To get a back massage and know that no one is expecting one in return? 
11. Nothing sounds as sweet right now as peace of mind. Free from worries of school, family expectations, housemates’ needs and social engagements. No nagging little thoughts in the back of your mind prodding at your conscience. 
12. I want two cats. I realize that they are extra work, and less space, and more than a little adjustment. But it also means two cats to play with, to watch grow, to love. And there is nothing I love so much as loving animals. 
13. An antique desk. I can see it in my mind now. A small, elegant, little desk at which I can sit down and work on my homework or answer my correspondence. A little place all my own that lets me sit up and face the day, encouraging me to live my life to the fullest, bolstered by the craftsmanship and loving care that went into the construction of the desk made so long ago. How delightful to have that many years supporting you and holding you up.
14. One of these days, I am going to order elaborate, personalized stationary. I will save it for extenuating occasions, and when I sit down to write on it, I will know that what I am writing is memorable and important, and thought through with care.
15. I would love to have a day bed.  How quaint would it be to have your afternoon nap on a day bed?