October 22, 2014
Recently I was informed by my roommate that my old cross-country coach wanted us to write motivational letters for the team before they went to State, which is on Saturday. I, of course, pushed this to the back of my mind like the expert procrastinator I am and completely forgot about it until tonight, when my roommate brought it up again.
I fear that this is a hopeless endeavor. Someone as narcissistic and cynical as I am right now should not be writing letters to motivate high school girls. This is what I have so far...
"Greeting- Yet- To- Be- Determined:
Insert introduction here, preferably one that
inspires comradery and a deep and abiding respect for my obvious wisdom and
omniscience. Follow up with necessary humble phrases such as, “I was once like
you,” “I remember the good ole days,” and “These were some of my favorite
moments of high school.” Do not mention current narcissism and disenchantment
with the concept of motivation and goal setting. Would be counterproductive.
Also do not mention embarrassing stories about Mackenzie and Nicole [my sisters] or the fact
that Rumsey [my ex-coach] strong-armed me into this. Would also be counterproductive and
probably inappropriate. And don’t attempt any puns. You suck at them.
Insert personal history here, not mentioning
the fact that your life pretty much sucks right now. This will not encourage
them to go to college. Also do not mention that you no longer run. Or that “things
were better in my day.” Lay back on the humor, you are the only one who thinks
it’s funny. "
Yes. As you can see, this is not going to end well.
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